Nightmare on Swan St (James 5)

Nightmare on Swan St (James 5)

James 5.16 Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with. [msg]

I've seen a few horror movies. Nothing too extreme. To those dedicated fans of this genre, my experiences will seem very tame by comparison. I tend to be the person in the cinema with his hands over his eyes saying "is it safe yet?" You just know that the young couple taking a short cut through the woods in the middle of night might as well wear a sign saying 'fresh meat!'

I remember watching Nightmare on Elm St as a teenager. My friends raved about this movie. Eventually curiosity got the better of me and I went and hired it from the local video shop. I knew I'd be scared so I put a plan in place to help minimise the fear factor. I'd watch it on a small black and white TV in the middle of the day. As an added extra, I 'borrowed' the neighbours cat to keep me company. The more tense the movie got, the tighter my grip on the poor cat got. Then the phone rang. I jumped. The cat went flying through the air, hit the wall and slowly slid down to the floor, like something off a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

I may not have seen too many horror films but I know what it is to be afraid. The scariest moment I've ever faced happened just over 17 years ago.

I've come a long way from the person I use to be. Growing up, no one ever really knew the 'real' me. I lived a double life. To most people I was the pastor's kid, actively involved in the church and someone destined for ministry. But that was just a facade. I lived with a secret and my life was spent in fear that someone, someday would discover it. I would deliberately keep people at a distance in an attempt to protect myself. That was until I met Cath.

I was drawn to her. She was beautiful, funny, caring and she had a strong love for God. We started going out and eventually got engaged. That was when things started to go downhill fast. At that time she was living in a small town 3 hours away from Melbourne. The distance worked great for me but not for her. She wanted to know her fiance better and rather than rush into marriage, called off the engagement and moved to Melbourne so that we could get to know each other without the pressure of a wedding to plan. So after she moved to Melbourne I took it a step further and called off everything. I can't remember my exact words but I think I said something to her like, "it's not you, it's me" and something to do with more fish in the ocean.

For the next few years we had one of those on again off again relationships. Sometimes she would break it off and sometimes it would be me. But the truth of the matter was that I was terrified of allowing anyone close to me. What would she really think if she knew my secret?

One thing I've learnt in life is that intimacy can't exist where there are secrets. If I wanted to have any chance of building a life with Cath I had to be honest with her and tell her all about my double life. No more secrets.

It felt like I was about to jump off a cliff. I stood on the edge looking over, trying to find the courage to take that first step. It was Valentines Day 1992 and I rang Cath and asked if she could come over so we could talk. Not really knowing what to say or where to start, I just began sharing my life with her. I didn't preface the conversation with any conditions. I didn't ask her to keep what I was about to say to herself. I was going to do something I had never done in my entire life, I was going to place my life in someone else's hands. She could have done anything she wanted to do with the information I was about to give her.

I told her my secret. I held nothing back. I am sure that she was shocked. I left nothing out.

As scary as that moment in time was, I know it was the beginning of a transformation in my life. Jesus once said, "you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free." For the first time in the long time, I felt the burden of guilt and shame I had been carrying released and I finally could begin to move forward in life. It's like when you bring something into the light, darkness no longer has power over it because light always wins out over darkness.

I wonder how different my life would have turned out if I had trusted someone earlier in life to share my secret with. Someone who wouldn't judge but pray and be there and simply love me like God would? We all need someone like that in our life. Fear keeps us trapped in isolation. But those brave enough to confess their sins will be whole and healed. Anything brought into the light no longer has power over your life.

What was Cath's response? Remind me to tell you one day...

Lord please help me to walk in honesty with those you have placed around my life. Give me the courage to face any fear which may try to keep me captive and help me to understand that my life is not meant to be lived in isolation.